Thursday, January 17, 2013

The Spray Tan

As I have grown bigger and bigger this time pregnant, and the heat has kicked in, I wanted to buy some maternity togs so I felt comfortable swimming.  After checking out lots and lots, and 'eek'-ing over prices, I finally purchased a pair on my birthday :)  I was thrilled when they arrived in the post, but when I put them on, I surprisingly did NOT look as fabulous as the beautiful pregnant model who'd been wearing them on the internet!!  I sighed, put them away, and said to poor James that I just looked like a giant, white whale, absolutely ridiculous, and I never wanted to be seen in them.  The ever-helpful James, who would really appreciate some family beach time this Summer, promptly did some research, and paid for me to get a spray tan done!!

When James revealed the exciting gift to me, I was less than impressed!!  Firstly, I've only known a couple of people to get spray tans who actually liked the result (I distinctly remember a favourite Aunty on Facebook complaining that she looked like an 'Oompa Loompa' after getting hers done! - and hasn't EVERYBODY seen that episode of 'Friends' where Ross gets a spray tan and ends up back half white and front half orange?!), and secondly, I immediately became over-the-top pregnant+insecure about him 'needing' me to be tanned!!  James helplessly threw out a couple of 'No! - It's not for me! - You didn't want to wear your togs cause you said you were white!' and 'You don't have to get it done if you're not comfortable with it!' and a 'all the reviews of this tan said it was really natural and you won't go orange!', and backed right off.

After mulling it over for a couple of weeks I finally relented.  After all, this place specialised in tans, and James had already called the place and discussed the fact that I just wanted to not have white legs - but still look normal, and they had assured him that it would work fine.  Apparently also, you can scrub them off if you look awful (and look red and raw instead...).  This was also a great cheap deal (as far as spray tans go...).  I decided to get the tan on a weekend when I had absolutely nothing on, so if it all went wrong, I could sit my little Oompa Loompa self at home until I was nice and white again.

After James had booked me in, the first time I almost reneged was when I found out that spray tans barely last a week!!  All that money for less than a week?!  What?!!  But James (without pressure) reassured me that he was happy for me to get it done - his gift, great price, etc., and how long had I expected it to last anyway? (Um, like, forever!)

The second time I almost reneged, was when I found out that a person sprays the tan on you! - Not a machine!!!  What on earth was I supposed to wear?!  I was gigantic!! I didn't want some girl gawking at my giant belly making internal resolutions never to have babies while she sprayed 'tan' all over me!!   And what do you talk about?!  How incredibly awkward!!!  Their website assured me I could wear whatever I wanted to get the tan, and they even had 'disposable g-strings' and shower caps available...!!!!!!  Finally I went and got a new pair of big, black, boyleg knickers (does this 'tan' stuff stain?!!), and decided to wear the 1 strapless bra I had - from my year 12 formal.  Have you ever tried to wear a bra you wore back in high school, 10 years later, when you're almost 8 months pregnant?!  I was extremely impressed that I managed to get it done up!! - but let's be honest, it's not a great idea..!

On the way to the spray tan place (I made James drive me), I actually had a sick feeling in my stomach.  Obviously, I've not done the 'beauty' thing a whole lot.  My gorgeous friend Lizzie took me for my first pedicure about 5 years ago, and I nearly died, when the lady started 'filing my feet' - I collapsed into hopeless giggles for the rest of the 'ordeal', and couldn't wait to get another!! :)  I love pedicures.  I don't really 'do' hairdressers - been about 5 times in my life, and all but 1 of those ended in complete disaster.  Thank goodness James and I discovered the great DIY hair-cutting technique so I never have to go again!  But a spray tan was just totally out of my comfort zone, I felt like I was heading to some horrible ordeal!!

When we finally found the place, James dropped me off out front and went to park.  He and the girls would go for a walk until I called and said it was over.  I opened the door, into the tiniest beauty place, ever.  It was sooooo small!  A lady doing hair extensions on a girl had to move all her stuff and squeeze to the side so I could get past (I'm not in a 'small' way after all), and I practically bumped up against the tiny little desk-with-register-on-it as the girl manage to smile and keep a straight face as she asked "It's James, is it?" - bahahaha!!! - he'd also given them his birth date, but put a note on the order that it was actually for his wife :)  This calmed me down a little..  The girl showed me (after a 1 step walk) into the (little) tanning booth.  She hospitably showed me the disposable g-strings (just a big box of tiny looking little black parcels - is it one size fits all?!!!  Eek!), offered moisturiser for my hands, feet, knees and elbows (to help the tan 'stick'), and told me to get ready and give her a yell when I was ready.

I ignored the disposable goods, shakily got 'ready', and called 'yell'!  To the girl.  She came in, put some little spray thing that looked like what you use to spray and kill weeds in the garden together, and told me to stand in different positions while she sprayed me.  I apologised for my small bra, and she assured me that it was overly 'modest' - 'Most girls don't wear anything at all on top!'.. Oh.. no worries.  I decided not to discuss my lack of clothing/extreme modesty again.  She started asking about the baby and kept asking me to stand in all different funny ways, while she sprayed me, back and front.  After a few minutes she fiddled with and changed the little machine a little, then kept going.  After another couple of minutes, she asked 'Do you feel dry now?  Or do I need to blow dry a bit more?' OH - hadn't realised the last half she'd been blow drying me - was too nervous to notice we'd gone from spraying liquid on me to blowing wind at me.  I thought I was fine.  She told me to get dressed carefully, and she'd meet me 'out front'.  I tentatively got dressed, and ran (the 1 step) back to the front desk - stoked at how quickly I was getting out of there!  When I 'arrived', she asked me if I'd liked it!  Oh - hadn't actually looked in the mirror... she looked at me as if I were strange (I'm sure I was), gave me a 'how to care for your tan' card and I left.  James had just found a carpark and gotten out with the girls.  I gratefully went home.

I was meant to sleep in the tan, and wash it off in the morning.  When I woke up the next day, James rolled over, looked at me with considerable alarm, and said "I think you should get in the shower, right now".  Oh dear!  I was REALLY dark!!!!  I jumped in the shower and brown stuff poured off me!!  How dark was I going to be?!  But when I got out I was relieved to find I looked pretty normal, just with a nice 'glow', and I was even!!! :)  I was stoked and delighted!!  I kind of totally loved it!! :)  Over the next couple of days, I enjoyed my fabulous tan even more!  What a shame I had nowhere awesome to go!! :)  Mum and Dad dropped over on Sunday afternoon, and Mum kept saying that I looked great, and was 'glowing'.  I smiled and serenely thanked her - I hadn't mentioned the tan yet - she was my big test, and it passed! :)

About 5 days later I started to look diseased.  I was kind of peeling in places, and it was gross.  I got a flannel, and scrubbed the rest of it off.  What a shame they don't last for too long!!

Spray tan:  Possibly traumatic, but about 4 days of nice, subtle 'glow' before diseased look and necessary scrubbing :)  Disposable g-strings available.  Haha.  Would I do it again?  Not often, but definitely yes, for a special occasion!!  I'm totally broadening my horizons here - maybe I should get a facial sometime!!!

... who am I kidding?  Not on your life!  :)


  1. LOL! Loved this post.

    Yeah, we're not really made for beauty treatments, are we... :)

    xo Tammy

  2. haha, this is awesome.
    you forgot about the part where you spilt that water on you and it started going streaky! lol.
    Facials are amazing. You would love it!

    1. Oh Stace that was almost the best bit - how did I forget?? Bahaha makes me laugh every time :)

  3. your posts are a crack up...
    Im a qualified beauty therapist and absolutely swear by spray tans...When i worked ( b4 i had the kids) I would get sprayed once a wk! on top of regular eye brow waxes, Brazilian waxes and eye lash tints which i still do now even with kids...but id love to own a spray tan machine to spray myself! Im glad after all youre nerves went away you were able to enjoy it for those few days! if you ever get one again make sure you do a fully body exfoliation from head to toe the day before and shave your legs underarms etc....
    I cant believe u wore a bra to! lol very modest indeed...I dont ever remember spraying girls with clothes on! the joys of beauty hey? haha

  4. Oh my golly goodness. I cannot believe you did it! Hahahaha. I would have DIED to even be in a bra and knickers! I would have worn my togs at the very least :P Lol. Wow Abs, you really are expanding. Did I see you while you had your tan? Shame it didn't last long. So much trauma for such a short reward *sigh*
    Fabulous that it passed the Mum test though! :)
    And Abby, you introduced me to a pedicures too, last yr in Sydney when I was pregnant and feeling fat and frumpy. I was very hesitant and also giggled like crazy (I have ridiculously ticklish big toes!) but I LOVED feeling in the weeks afterwards that at least my feet looked pretty!!! Even though I haven't had another one since, I'm converted :)
    ...don't think I'll try the spray tan though...unless they don't think it's weird to wear togs and boardies :P
    I bet you looked absolutely amazing and beautiful with your spray tan, though you always do anyways :) xoxoxo

  5. Haha - I think the serene smile added to your 'glowing' look perhaps? :) I think you almost always look lovely Abs, white or 'glowing' :) I even like orange on you - as long as it's only your clothes that are orange!

  6. LOL! Love it Abby!! X